Thursday, January 03, 2008

How Not To Do Apologetics

by: Jonna Sutherland @

1. Target unsuspecting victim. {Umm, I mean, client. You know, the poor bloke who may be willing to speak with you.}

2. Size-up client - Make list of various rascals and scoundrels that client has:

a. dined with,
b. potentially whispered with,
c. obviously plotted with, or
d. never heard of.

Note: Call in resident witch-smeller for wafting scent-analysis, as a last resort only.

3. Form preconceived notions as to client's character and belief system based upon:

a. known associates,
b. associates of disgruntled former associates,
c. last known location, and
d. mother-in-law's opinion.

4. Determine pigeon-hole into which client may be summarily dropped.

5. Convince self that you are on a mission to enlighten the client, as only you can:

a. assume the odds of client already knowing and having considered your arguments to be negligible,
b. assume the odds of your success to increase in direct proportion to your level of sarcasm and derision, and
c. assume that distortions and character assassinations are allowed, as long as you get the job done.

6. Ask client a probing question. Pull back, cock head sympathetically to one side, and wait for response.

7. Take response from client and:

a. add-to,
b. exaggerate,
c. twist, and/or
d. attach sinister motives.

8. Attack client with:

a. creative claims generated in previous step (Use that prowess and considerable skill!),
b. most absurd comment ever uttered by a leader within the client's group (or any leader within any group),
c. imply guilt-by-association, and, if at all possible,
d. finish up with a reference to Hitler.

Note: Disregard the client's inevitable objections and awkward attempts to deny your claims and differentiate between his belief system and your carefully-constructed framework. Ignore his pleas! Skewer him well, while you have him cornered. He needs this wake-up call!

i. You know his belief system better than he does himself. So watch him squirm!!!
ii. He is deceived, not you. So dang the torpedoes!!!

9. Draw back, wiping drool from lower jaw, while client:

a. feels overwhelmed by your unrelenting onslaught,
b. feels frustrated by your lack of understanding of his viewpoint,
c. feels violated by your twisting of his words and beliefs,
d. feels taken advantage of by your skullduggery, and
e. feels angry for having wasted his time with you.

10. Watch client walk away with:

a. a limp where you maimed him,
b. a gooey shoe where you tinged him,
c. a jaded demeanor, and/or
d. a disquieting sense of loss.

Your job here is done!

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