Thursday, December 20, 2007

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: A Brief Defense of All Of the Other Reindeer or Fisking a Carol

By John Mark Reynolds@




Laughing and excluding while they play their little reindeer games.

When one reindeer hires an ad man (the infamous p.r. hit for hire guy Robert May), the other reindeer, who did not have the money of the Comet family behind them, have been portrayed as slack-horned know nothings in such cultural hit pieces as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer which each year takes a shot at traditional reindeer culture.

The cultural genocide of the native reindeer culture, in a North Pole now littered with Starbucks and Michael Moore videos, is shocking to many who grew up treasuring the playful antics of Vixen or reading the more orthodox works of the other Moore.

Soon nothing will be left of the peaceful North Pole where Mr. and Mrs. Claus acted to protect the elves and animals from the predations of the modern world. Using the excuse of the “Rudolph Case,” aggressive Canadian officials have swooped in to monitor the entire region.

Even more damaging, according to some, was the star witness for Rudolph, the elf Hermey.

It began with the demand that French be spoken in the Elven workshops. The Elves, still reeling from the Hermey slander about their dental care, refused. Forever linked to Rudolph in children’s minds, Hermey claimed that he had been driven away by intolerance for his desire to pursue a career in dentistry.

Canadian officials sued the Claus workshop for discrimination based on Hermey’s complaint. Yukon Cornelius, apologizing for the exploitation of the North lands by those who had previously worn flannel, noted in testifying for Hermey that the use of the word “misfit” by the Head Elf constituted clear discrimination.

Canadian officials awarded Hermey billions in compensation.

Having seen that the pursuit of silver and gold outside of the ornaments of a Christmas tree was wrong, Mr. Cornelius wept when he described the difficulties of the misfits under the Claus regime.

“When I confronted the Charlie-in-a-Box, I knew that my categories about the Other would have to go.”

Traditional elves reported that they had offered the bitter young elf Hermey many chances to engage in dental care. The head elf noted that it was not dental care, per se, that made Hermey a “misfit” but his continual disruption of folk ways and costumes with a concomitant mockery of Elvish English that led to an angry response.

Said one not so jolly head elf, “If we are alleged to have English dentistry, then why not speak the language of bad orthodontia: English.”

Such is the bitter humor of the inmates of the Rudolph Regime.

Hermey, part of the Rudolph gang, was not the happy young elf of the television show. He was, for one thing, much less animated critics note. Some elves still have the scars of the young elf they called Hermey, the Demon Dentist of the North Pole.

“In the mind of Hermey, ’say ah’ was the beginning of his right to inflict gratuitous suffering,” said a lawyer for the Claus family.

Hermey would jeer Elvish songs and argue for cutting edge, main stream music by Burl Ives. “It threatened to swamp our national music,” one elf, who fled to Alabama to escape Canadian authorities.

“He would just mock and sit in black in the back of the room picking his teeth with his ‘instrument’ and then claim it was all about being a dentist when we tried to respond. He was a dentist more like Steve Martin than the Hermey of the Christmas special.”

Our informant noted that he could not use his own name. “I still have family up there. Some already refuse to bow to the Maple Leaf and buy Chinese toys to re-label. I don’t need to cause them any more trouble.”

We asked some of the reindeer to fisk the famous carol about their arch-nemesis. When we assured them that no names would be used, they agreed to comment. Reindeer comments are written as if from one deer, but represent a compilation of the views of a group now forever marginalized as “all of the other reindeer.”

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.

It was never about the nose. It was about Rudoph’s refusal to study or take his role as a reindeer seriously our informants noted. His money and prestige as a member of the elite Comet family gave him a sense of entitlement. When his actual performance did not measure up, he blamed fear of his red nose.

In fact, it was Rudolph who was always drawing attention to it, as this song, paid for through a third-party using the large Comet fortune, demonstrates.

To many traditional reindeer the most upsetting scene in the special was when Rudolph, excited by the attentions of Clarisse, flies immediately.

According the vast majority of deer, now speaking off the record, this is pure fantasy.

Clarisse never cared for Rudolph who would strut about calling her “my doe” and whose recollection of her in the special reduce one of her generations brightest lights to a simpering fool awed by Rudolph’s reindeer prowess.


Clarisse, now in hiding from Canadian authorities, is married to Fireball. Fireball was willing to go on the record from his cell in Toronto, “She loved me. She married me. Now to escape the reindeer of terror in the North Pole, she must hide. Where is the justice?”

Fireball is doing ten years for his support for the Santa Restoration Group.

And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

“Of course you would say it,” Fireball said. “Far from hiding it, he was always shining it in our eyes and laughing. Nobody would bother him at first, because Comet would use his authority to get us in line.”

It glowed, other reindeer and elves noted, but so does an area devastated by a nuclear bomb. When the deer associated with Rudolph became ill with what some called radiation sickness, parents became concerned.

They noticed cases of tall elves with bad eye sight . . . something unknown before the Coming of Rudolph. Why did his nose glow? Did it have something to do with the fusion powered sleigh championed by Comet Industries?

To this day there has been no comment from the company.

The rate of misfits, as they can no longer be called, has increased. Instead of worrying about two headed reindeer with glowing eyes, the Rudolph Regime now calls this “the new normal.”

All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names.

Did some reindeer eventually “call names?”




You would say it as his followers, with their own artificial glowing noses glued in place, bullied does like Clarissa.

Red Noses beating up your mother because she said, “It glows.”

Wouldn’t you if some bitter deer would ruin every game with the loud piercing whine of his nose?

“We would beg him to turn down that SOUND!” said one reindeer. “He would just laugh and call us bigots, but I swear it was not so much the nose, though we did worry about the radiation. It was the sound. He could control the noise, he just wouldn’t.”

The North Pole glows now and it is never quite free of the whine of Rudolph’s nose, but Canadian authorities point out that at least nobody dares call young Rudolph names any more.

“Hasn’t anyone noticed the erratic behavior of men like Yukon Cornelius,” groaned one deer. “He just isn’t right, throwing that pick ax around. Have you ever been hit by a drool covered pick ax?”

They never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games.

Reindeer of the period note that Rudolph, egged on by his friend Hermey, despised traditional reindeer games. “To Rudolph,” said one three legged deer, “playing meant leading.” When the deer tried to assert their right to play as they always did, Rudolph would cry to his powerful father who would appeal to Canadian authorities.

The games would end, so the song is right when it says Rudolph never played reindeer games.

He ended them.

Nobody plays competitive games in today’s North Pole. Instead, they practice diversity training and reflect on the injustices done to “poor Rudolph.”

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say:
“Rudolph with your nose so bright,
won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”

When Rudolph and Hermey disappeared in the infamous Winter of the Big Snow, many relaxed. They did not expect that both would return with military muscle and take over the community.

“We could have fought against Rudolph and Hermey, but the Abominable Snow Man was too much.” one terrified reindeer said.

Using the unstoppable power of the Abominable and the pick ax of Yukon Cornelius, Rudolph’s coup was successful. Santa was left as a figurehead, but all the real power was in the hands of the Comet family.

“Comet had long been Mayor of the Palace,” said one deer, “but now his son wanted the title and not just the authority.”

Rudolph soon forced Santa to distribute weird and disturbing toys many of which did not work. “There was a reason we never made a train with square wheels,” one elf said, “but Rudolph cared less about the children than about his own plans for gain.”

As Santa’s toy quality declined, the Comet family continued their cooperation with the Red Chinese in building unsafe, but more profitable toys.

Elves were out. Slave labor was in.

Rudolph was overjoyed.

Then all the reindeer loved him
as they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
you’ll go down in history!

Like all dictators, but especially like Rudolph’s personal favorite the ruler of North Korea, it is no longer permissible just to accept the Comet-family hegemony of the Pole. One must also love Rudolph.

Each day reindeer and elves are led out by Canadian authorities for their one hour Shout of Glee.

Posters of Rudolph are ubiquitous.

History texts are rewritten to show Rudolph inventing the Internet, solving global warming (which skeptics tie to the glow of his nose), and ending intolerance worldwide.

The reindeer have not given up hope, however. “He can write the song and even make us sing it, but we know the truth.”

Such brave deer note that like all dictators Rudolph will go down in history, but he will have no control over his image.

(Lyrics here.)

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