Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Some wish that you could "Build-A-Bible"

Humor from http://tominthebox.blogspot.com

GRAND RAPIDS, MI - TBNN has learned that Zondervan plans to launch a new advertising campaign just in time for the Christmas rush. The new Zondervan ad blitz will promote their newest, greatest product: The Build-A-Bible.

In the past, Zondervan has offered choice to customers when they are looking for bibles. Options have included various bible versions, multiple cover colors, and numerous study bibles. This has been good, but not good enough. The obvious solution, according to Zondervan spokeswoman Elaine Wallace, is to give the customer the choice in every option of the bible purchase.

Wallace told TBNN, "Zondervan has always wanted to offer the most free-choice to the customer, and now we can deliver on that. Instead of picking from one of, say, 30 different bibles, the customer can now, literally, build his or her own bible."

How does this actually happen? Wallace spelled out the process to us, "The customer will simply go to our website and fill in a Build-A-Bible form. Options are wide ranging. We will, of course, offer all of the current options. However, the greatest new tool is that the customer can pick and choose what sections of scripture he or she wants in his or her bible. We have thought a lot about this, and have some advice for folks of different denominations. For example, our Catholic customers might want to leave out passages that indicate that salvation comes through God's grace alone (Eph. 2:1-10). Methodists probably need to request that we not put Ephesians chapter 1 in their bibles because that chapter is so strong on God's sovereignty; actually we would probably also have to delete Eph. 2, John 6 & 10, and Romans 8-11. Presbyterians may want to delete passages, such as Acts 2:38, that suggest that repentance comes before baptism."

This was shocking to us at TBNN. We asked if she had any more advice.

"Of course," replied Wallace, "Southern Baptists can leave out passages condemning pride (Prov. 16:18), the Disciples of Christ can delete scripture that makes it clear that baptism is not required for salvation (Rom. 10:9-10), and Unitarians can leave out most of the bible, especially John 14:6. As for the cults, they already have their own false writings to rely on."

"Is that all?" we inquired hopefully.

Wallace responded, "Why, no. If you have a woman pastor, you can ignore/delete I Timothy 2:8-15. If your church has one strong senior pastor, then you can ignore the many N.T. passages that show that churches were led by multiple pastor/elders. If you think remarriage is O.K. after divorce, feel free to wipe out I Corinthians 7:10-11. Finally, if you are a hyper-Calvinist and think that missions is a waste of time, then we'll cut out Matthew 28:19-20 and Acts 1:8 for you.

"We can even repeat certain scriptures for emphasis, and place them at key points throughout the bible. One idea we had for our egalitarian customers is to place Galatians 3:28 at the very beginning of each of the 66 books."

Wallace concluded, "The choice is yours. You have complete free-will over this decision. Build a bible the way you have always wanted it. Meet your needs through the word of God, or at least the words you want."

You can find Build-A-Bible at www.watchoutforthelightningboltoveryourhead.com.

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