Reconciliation is the final step in resolving a conflict. To be reconciled means to replace hostility and separation with peace and friendship. Normally, two things must happen for complete reconcilation to occur. First, the personal offenses that separated the opponents must be laid to rest through confession and forgiveness. Second, the material issues of the conflict must be resolved by negotiating a mutually satisfactory agreement (Sande, The Peacemaker, p. 183).
According to Sande, there are four promises we make when we decide to forgive someone:
1. "I will not dwell on this incident."
2. "I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you."
3. "I will not talk to others about this incident."
4. "I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship."
Wayne from Windsor reflects:
Many questions come up as we try to put this into practice. Such as:
Most people do not make these promises when they forgive someone. They offer forgiveness more as a conditional "ceasefire" agreement. In such cases, the issues have often not been worked through. What do we do with superficial "forgiveness"?
There are times when the other person refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing. Should we wait for confession/repentance before we forgive? When someone comes to us and repents of their sin against us, we have an obligation to forgive. What if we can't forgive (make these four promises)? How do we overcome unforgiveness?
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