Humour From Tominthebox News Network @ http://tominthebox.blogspot.com
PORTSMOUTH, VIRGINIA
The members of Lake Vista Baptist Church like punctuality. But recently the church has gone through some tensions with their new pastor. Rev. Charles "Chuck" Waggoner joined the congregation 6 months ago and the people immediately took to him.
"He was great when he first came." Said Maggie Crimm, the church's pianist. "He visited people, and his sermons were great. But around Christmas time things just started getting out of hand."
The trouble began when Waggoner's sermons began getting longer and longer, often going past noon.
"We were getting out at 12:10 and sometimes 12:15!" Said Crimm. "We'd all go down to Alice's Cafe to eat lunch and there were no tables available because all the Methodists and Lutherans were already there! By the time we got a table, ate and got home we'd already missed some of the football game!"
"The service begins at 11:00 and ends at at 12:00!" Said Bill Horton, the church's head deacon. "We give the preacher 25 minutes to preach, and if he can't say everything he needs to say in that amount of time then he don't need to say nothing at all!"
"I just get going sometimes and lose track of time." Said Waggoner. "I suppose I'm just engrossed in what I'm preaching about. I get passionate sometimes."
In an attempt to rectify the situation people began "dropping hints" when Waggoner would go too long.
"Several of us would set our watch alarms for noon so that they'd all go off at the same time." Said Crimm. "But that didn't seem to work. Then several people started pretending to have coughing fits hoping to distract him, but it was no use."
To hopefully solve the situation the church has invested in a new product that is taking the evangelical world by storm.
Pastor Blaster attaches discretely to a pastors leg. The remote control is then given to a member of the congregation who monitors the length of the sermon. The monitor is then able to deliver a light electrical shock if the preacher begins to go over time.
"I've agreed to do this, but it bothers me." Said Waggoner. "I don't like the idea of someone out there having the ability to shock me."
In addition to being able to shock a pastor who goes overtime, the Pastor Blaster can also be used on pastors who have a tendency to "meddle."
"We don't need no meddling, long-winded preachers." Said Horton. "We're excited about putting this thing to work next Sunday."
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PORTSMOUTH, VIRGINIA
The members of Lake Vista Baptist Church like punctuality. But recently the church has gone through some tensions with their new pastor. Rev. Charles "Chuck" Waggoner joined the congregation 6 months ago and the people immediately took to him.
"He was great when he first came." Said Maggie Crimm, the church's pianist. "He visited people, and his sermons were great. But around Christmas time things just started getting out of hand."
The trouble began when Waggoner's sermons began getting longer and longer, often going past noon.
"We were getting out at 12:10 and sometimes 12:15!" Said Crimm. "We'd all go down to Alice's Cafe to eat lunch and there were no tables available because all the Methodists and Lutherans were already there! By the time we got a table, ate and got home we'd already missed some of the football game!"
"The service begins at 11:00 and ends at at 12:00!" Said Bill Horton, the church's head deacon. "We give the preacher 25 minutes to preach, and if he can't say everything he needs to say in that amount of time then he don't need to say nothing at all!""I just get going sometimes and lose track of time." Said Waggoner. "I suppose I'm just engrossed in what I'm preaching about. I get passionate sometimes."
In an attempt to rectify the situation people began "dropping hints" when Waggoner would go too long.
"Several of us would set our watch alarms for noon so that they'd all go off at the same time." Said Crimm. "But that didn't seem to work. Then several people started pretending to have coughing fits hoping to distract him, but it was no use."
To hopefully solve the situation the church has invested in a new product that is taking the evangelical world by storm.
Pastor Blaster attaches discretely to a pastors leg. The remote control is then given to a member of the congregation who monitors the length of the sermon. The monitor is then able to deliver a light electrical shock if the preacher begins to go over time."I've agreed to do this, but it bothers me." Said Waggoner. "I don't like the idea of someone out there having the ability to shock me."
In addition to being able to shock a pastor who goes overtime, the Pastor Blaster can also be used on pastors who have a tendency to "meddle."
"We don't need no meddling, long-winded preachers." Said Horton. "We're excited about putting this thing to work next Sunday."
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- Tominthebox News Network® is a satirical online blog written by Thomas Slawson. All names of people or places mentioned in stories are fictional, except when a public figure is being satarized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Transmission of and linking to articles found at this site is encouraged. The purpose of this blog is to make a point through the use of satire. Soli Deo Gloria!
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