- “My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.”
- “Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”
- “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”
- “Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.”
- “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
- “I am a rabid typist.”
- “Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side.”
- “Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.”
- “Proven ability to track down and correct erors.”
- “Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.”
- “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.”
- “References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”
- “Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
- “Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.”
- “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
- “I procrastinate–especially when the task is unpleasant.”
- “I am loyal to my employer at all costs…Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail.”
- “Qualifications: No education or experience.”
- “Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”
- “Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”
- “Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!”
- [from a cover letter] “Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”
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