What NOT to give for Valentine's Day

The 12 Days of Jesus Junk

12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 10 - Moses Action Figure

From http://healyourchurchwebsite.com

On the 10th day of kitschmas my webmaster threw down on me - 10 Moses Action Figures (all clutching tablets of the 10 commandments in their patented kung-fu grip!).

Seriously, todays wandering into ‘Wadi Crapola‘ was made a bit amusing by some of the descriptions given for this particular item. Of note:

Recreate theTen Commandments with this 5 1/4″ hard plastic Moses Action Figure. It has moving arms and legs, as well as removeable shepherd’s staff and stone tablets. Moses info on the package too! - Giftoplois

A description that is only topped by this one:

The story of Moses has more action than a James Bond movie. Miracles, murder, plagues, escape, betrayal - his life was filled with dramatic events and exciting adventures. With our 5-1/4″ tall, hard plastic Moses Action Figure you can recreate the entire epic saga in the comfort of your own home.

Use the removeable shepherd’s staff and stone tablets to punish your roommate with God’s plagues or deliver the Ten Commandments to your little green army men. Comes with interesting Moses info on the back of his card. - StageFight.com

For me however, I’d suggest buying this Torah Toy as an object lesson in … wait for it …

… a reminder to read my classic article entitled:

• The 10 Commandments of Church Website Search Engine Optimization

Here are the first three just to whet your whistle:

1. You shall have no text other than your church’s name, denomination, city and state correctly spelled in between the home page.
2. You shall not make for your self webpage description and keywords meta tags that contain key words that are not related to your church’s ministries, purpose and personality.
3. You shall have no text other than your church’s name, denomination, city and state correctly spelled in between the tag in the header of your church’s home page - even if you are using some form of CSS text/image replacement.

Now go be doers of the word, rather than mere readers!

12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 9 - 9″ Plush Long Arm Religious Gorillas

On the 9th day of Christmas my webmaster gave to me, a 9″ Plush Long Arm Religious Gorilla!

Oh how I wish I were making this one up today. I mean talk about a John 11:35 moment - what in the name of all that’s Christmas does a day-glow colored gorilla have to do with anything related to the birth, life and death of our Savior?

That said, I think the colorful string of hominidae hangers do at least offer us an excellent object lesson to those new to church website design:

Don’t go ape over new technologies just for the sake of implementing them!

Here are 9 wretched examples, from memory, I’ve encountered where the church webmaster made a monkey out of their website with some new gizmo or gadget they encountered:

1. gratuitous flash animations & navigation
2. cursed cursor trailers
3. spinning animated crosses
4. page swipes & animated marquees
5. dhtml snowflakes drifting down the screen
6. pop-up and pop-under windows
7. cursed cursor trailers
8. disabled right-click
9. rainbow colored dividers & title text

Please don’t do this. Yes they effects are all cool … for about the first five seconds, after that, they tend to drive your users away.

Remember, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. That is, don’t be afraid to use various technologies, just make sure there is a legitimate need.

12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 8 - Elvis Christmas 8 Track Tape

On the 8th day of Christmas my webmaster played for me - an 8 track of Elvis singing my not-so-favorite Christmas tunes.

Yup, nothing croons the sacred event of our Savior’s birth like the original culture king singing such greats as:

• Blue Christmas,
• Santa Claus is back in Town,
• Santa Bring my Baby Back,
• Here comes Santa Claus,
• White Christmas

Now before you Gracelanders go all ballistic on me, this former opera singer actually enjoys most of Elvis’ stylings. So why then the kvetch about the 8 track as Christmas kitsch?

Mostly to use a crufty old recording-playback medium to point out how often I stumble across a church or charity website whose content is equally crufty.

For those who don’t speak ancient geek, crufty is defined in “the Jargon file” as:

crufty /kruhf´tee/ adj. - [very common; origin unknown; poss. from ‘crusty’ or ‘cruddy’]

1. Poorly built, possibly over-complex. The canonical example is “This is standard old crufty DEC software”. In fact, one fanciful theory of the origin of crufty holds that was originally a mutation of ‘crusty’ applied to DEC software so old that the ‘s’ characters were tall and skinny, looking more like ‘f’ characters.
2. Unpleasant, especially to the touch, often with encrusted junk. Like spilled coffee smeared with peanut butter and catsup.
3. Generally unpleasant.
4. (sometimes spelled cruftie) n. A small crufty object (see frob); often one that doesn’t fit well into the scheme of things. “A LISP property list is a good place to store crufties (or, collectively, random cruft).”

This term is one of the oldest in the jargon and no one is sure of its etymology, but it is suggestive that there is a Cruft Hall at Harvard University which is part of the old physics building; it’s said to have been the physics department’s radar lab during WWII. To this day (early 1993) the windows appear to be full of random techno-junk. MIT or Lincoln Labs people may well have coined the term as a knock on the competition.

A point re-emphasized by noted usability expert, Jakob Nielsen whom effectively asserts in his June 27th article entitled “Change vs. Stability in Web Usability Guidelines” that translates to the rest of us that ‘the Web still rocks like it’s 1999!’

How about you? Is your church web site up-to-date in terms of the interface, the data, the markup and the message implements? Or like the website for the First Freewill Baptist Church of Union City Georgia, does your church website imply that you’ve been partying like it’s 1999?

My point? Even though the tunes on the Elvis 8 track are timeless, who is going to hear them now? Likewise with your church website. Just because the message of the Gospel is ageless doesn’t mean the same applies to the data and technologies used to convey your organizations web presence.

12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 7 - Walking With Jesus Playing Cards

On the 7th day of Jesus Junk my webmaster equipped me with everything I needed to take a good beating during a youth ministry Texas Hold’em lock in with a pack of Walking With Jesus’ Playing Cards. And speaking of betting the house, let’s complain a bit about all Flash websites - as like gambling, it seems there are quite a few church webmaster addicted to this plugin.

12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 6 - Jesus Saves Goose Leg Bands

How you convey your church or charity’s message is as important as what you say. Case in point, the Christmas Kitsch otherwise known as the ‘unique “Jesus Saves” goose leg band’ … available on E-Bay for $12.99! Compare this ill-gotten approach with your church website conversion goals.

12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 5 - Jesus Pencil Toppers

On the 5th day of kitschmas my webmaster was struck down by G*d. Why? How about the idolatry (or blasphemy) known as “Jesus Pencil Toppers” and the faux navigation they objectify.

12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 4 - Jesus Loves me Kazoos

On the 4th day of Christmas my webmaster brought to me, four neon colored kazoos! Yes folks, even if your singing sounds like an injured cat in a trash can, you can still harmonize with that “Mitt Romney sings your Favorite Carols with the Mormon Tabernacle” album your great aunt bought you back in 1987 when you’re equipped with one of these cheap, plastic “Jesus Loves me kazoos” pictured to the right:

12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 3 - Inflatable Nativity

On the 3rd day of Christmas my webmaster gave to me, three inflatable nativities. Yes folks, nothing bring to life the miraculous birth of our Savior like some pudgy latex airbag glowing in front of your house at night. Which brings me to my topic of image bloat …

12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 2 - Jesus Night Lights

Yes folks, it’s day two of our 12 step … I mean 12 day bloganalia of Jesus junk, that crufty commercialized crap that so cheapens our faith, to the point of giving us equally crummy websites. With that, let us all sing in roaring voice …

12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 1 - Life-like Baby Jesus

Yes folks with Christmas 12 days from today it is time to take some time out from web design and enjoy the spirit of the season. And what better way to do that then to give coverage to the carnival of “kristian kitsch” that so plagues our over-commercialized culture with a series I’m calling: The 12 Days of Jesus Junk

12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 5 - Jesus Pencil Toppers

Fromhttp://healyourchurchwebsite.com

Then the Lord said to me, ‘Arise, go down quickly from here, for your web developers whom you have outsourced from India have acted corruptly. They have turned aside quickly out of the way that I commanded them; they have made themselves cheap plastic pencil toppers.’ - ‘Dude’ronomy 911

On the 5th day of kitschmas my webmaster was struck down by G*d.

Why?

Because of … and let everyone sing together: “5 Jesus pencil toppers.”

I’m sorry folks, but this one bugs me at a variety of levels. In part because it’s just flat-out blasphemy by unbelievers, and those who do worship the Christ, idolatry.

“They are both stupid and foolish; the instruction of idols is but wood [or perhaps plastic?]!” - Jeremiah 10:8

Apostate or apostle, this false image of our Lord not only provides everyone with the near perfect example of how commercialism has lead some down a false path - but because this pencil topper is actually not an eraser - this plastic crap also gives us an object lesson in a not as serious sin I sometimes find on church and charity websites: faux navigation.

False navigation can come in a variety of irritating and confusing forms:

• underlining text that isn’t a hyperlink;
• formatting hyperlinks so they blend into the text;
• menu titles that do not match the title of the pages to which they are navigating;
• anchor links that effectively go nowhere; and
• DuHTML-driven drop-down and slide-in menus that don’t work the same across all browsers or user age groups

“All of them are put to shame and confounded; the makers of idols go in confusion together.” Isaiah 45:16

The point here is to realize that the primary purpose of any navigation is to get a person from point A to point B as intuitively as possible - that is without several pages and/or hours of instruction.

Here’s a good question to ask yourself regarding website navigation: if it’s not obvious, then perhaps it’s over done?

Oh and for those who’d like to discuss the finer theological points of the aforementioned merchandise, please allow me to direct you to a website I myself just discovered as I researched this item: A Little Leaven: Jesus Pencil Toppers - whose description of this item accurately asserts:

Our internal studies have shown that use of the Jesus Pencil Topper in high school classrooms reduces incidences of cheating by .001%. But, it increases blasphemies by 600%.

Tell’m Mean Dean sent ya!

%DIGG%

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12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 4 - Jesus Loves me Kazoos

December 17th, 2007 Posted in Jesus Junk | 1 Comment »

On the 4th day of Christmas my webmaster brought to me, four neon colored kazoos! Yes folks, even if your singing sounds like an injured cat in a trash can, you can still harmonize with that “Mitt Romney sings your Favorite Carols with the Mormon Tabernacle” album your great aunt bought you back in 1987 when you’re equipped with one of these cheap, plastic “Jesus Loves me kazoos” pictured to the right:

Speaking of the sound of fingernails being dragged down an old, faded chalk board, I’d like to employ today’s “Kitschmas present” as a metaphor for yet another type of annoying surprise that I continue to find on a number of church websites. That is, the earsplitting gift of music - and now videos - that automatically play when the web page loads.

I mean how effective do you think a church website is that ambushes someone within earshot of their boss with some tinny rendition of Peter Schickele’s “The Seasonings” - especially in a work place where there is a sensitivity regarding music downloads and US Copyright Laws?

Fact is that though 47% of the U.S. is now online using some form of broadband, most still dislike the time it takes to load media files - not to mention the unwanted legal headaches such files present.

Fortunately services such as YouTube give content providers the opportunity to act smart by embedding a click-to-play image that we can surround with useful summaries; in turn offering the user the freedom of choice to play or not to play.

A good example is my own post entitled “Dean takes a dive in the dead sea that ‘rocks’” where I take the ‘Nestea Plunge’ into the Dead Sea with a 25lb rock on my chest - but only after providing users a brief description along with the option of clicking the play button - before showing the silly 1.5 minute video.

Point is, so long as you have the rights to the content and feel it contributes to your websites conversion goals, provide it, but in an opt-in format only. Otherwise your love comes across like a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal … or in this case, more like some krummy hot-pink kazoo in the key of B#.

12 Days of Jesus Junk

12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 3 - Inflatable Nativity

From http://healyourchurchwebsite.com

On the 3rd day of Christmas my webmaster gave to me, three inflatable nativities (see enumerated image below !-)

Yes folks, nothing bring to life the miraculous birth of our Savior like some pudgy latex airbag glowing in front of your house at night.

Of course I’m being sarcastic. I mean c’mon, what’s more out of context:

1. the comfy inflatable pillow beneath the baby Jesus’ head ¹;
2. the slightly obese Mary and Joseph (apparently no shortage of eats at the inn) ²; or
3. the blizzard like conditions ³?

Obvious anachronisms aside, I’ve actually selected these bloated lawn-blimps to remind us of yet another aspect of church websites that are as equally irritating as the neighbor who positions all three of these flightless dirigibles so that their blinding glow comes pouring into your bedroom window all night.

Yes folks, I’m talking about Image Bloat - a plague so annoying that I’m told it has the potential to turn Internet seekers into flying spaghetti monster worshiping pastafarians due to the long load times of enormous images. Or as Father Flanders put it in his now famous sermon for Sunday, July 13, 2003:

Just because Jesus miraculously turned water into wine doesn’t mean he can miraculously turn your 1280- x 1024-pixel image whose file size is 1.8Mb into an image whose file size is only 74Kb just because you changed the WIDTH= and HEIGHT= attributes to WIDTH=”420″ and HEIGHT=”336″.

In other words, one of the big problems I see with so many church websites are poorly optimized graphics - so let me make this point very loud and clear:

Reducing the height and width attributes of the tag does not, I repeat DOES NOT, physically reduce the physical size of the file. Nor does it reduce the size of the image via “color reduction.”

But rather than bore you with the math behind shaving minutes of download time to seconds by a little bit of optimization and color reduction, I’m just going to suggest 2 free solutions that will help get you started in the right direction:

• Quick Thumbnail: a software as a service that helps you resize images online
• IrfanView: a client application that also helps you both resize and crop your images

Either one will help you get the job done, and help you avoid overweight images that impede your visitors browsers slower than the idiot driving in front of you at 5mph to see some 12-foot inflatable Nativity scene that is equipped with a squeaky MIDI rendition of “Let it Snow!”

12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 2 - Jesus Night Lights

Yes folks, it’s day two of our 12 step … I mean 12 day bloganalia of Jesus junk, that crufty commercialized crap that so cheapens our faith, to the point of giving us equally crummy websites. With that, let us all sing in roaring voice:

On the second day of Christmas my webmaster bought for me, two translucent acrylic night lights!

Y’know, when Jesus proclaimed in John 8:12 that He is the light of the world, I don’t quite think he was referring to the tacky frosted plastic Jesus night light even if the latter does serve “as a calming and restful bedside nightlight.”

And regardless of one’s opinion regarding the mother of God, I’m not so sure reducing Mary to an electronic appliance is all that great of a reminder of her part in the Annunciation and birth of our Savior either.

Here’s my point: in both your nocturnal illuminations and your church website, take care of the image you present of Christ in pictures, sermons and videos.

As such may be the only Jesus a seeker sees and remembers, make sure it’s not an el cheapo vision.

12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 1 - Life-like Baby Jesus

On the first day of Christmas my webmaster bought for me, an “Away In A Manger Collectible Baby Jesus Pageant Lifelike Doll.”

Yes folks with Christmas 12 days from today it is time to take some time out from web design and enjoy the spirit of the season. And what better way to do that then to give coverage to the carnival of “kristian kitsch” that so corrupts our over-commercialized culture with a series I’m calling:

The 12 Days of Jesus Junk

Now for many of you newer readers here, Jesus Junk is a term I sometimes use here to describe the ultra-cheap clip-art and gimmicks that we sometimes find on well-meaning but cut-rate-looking church and charity websites. Y’know, like that clichéd gold lamé animated gif of a spinning cross that screams “everything I know about website design I learned from Strong Bad!“.

Anyway, for some holiday fun, I figure why not poke some fun at the gift-shop culture that some times creeps into our website design - by highlighting some of the more hilarious examples of junk sold in the name of Jesus.

For example, today’s example which is pitched with the following description:

It’s time for the Christmas Pageant, and everyone has a part to play, even this sweet baby boy - he’s playing the Baby Jesus! This very special lifelike collectible Baby Jesus pageant doll was created by renowned doll artist Waltraud Hanl exclusively for Ashton-Drake.

What a unique way to bring the inspiring story of the Nativity to life for your family and friends!This collectible vinyl doll is expertly crafted, with soft RealTouch™ vinyl skin, reddish-brown hand-applied hair, and realistic fingernails and toenails. He’s dressed in a Christmas pageant “costume” of red cotton fabric with gold trim, and arrives in his own little manger made of real wood, complete with straw! Just imagine the happiness he’ll bring to your home! Order Now!

Now having sung a few operas and performed in variety of plays, I can certainly agree that it is far easier to work with an inanimate doll over a live baby any day. That said, I think this particular item is being a bit oversold as stage lights, swaddling cloth and story lines generally make the differences between a $220 and $22 doll unnoticeable.

I suggest the same may be true with those who get hung up on expensive overkill on their church websites, like hiring someone to get your message out in an all in Flash-based website, where more text-centric HTML will do.

Eerdman's Continues Its "Mormonism is Christian" Campaign

By James R. White @ http://www.aomin.org

I guess it fits. With the political situation of Romney running for the presidency, the utter collapse of all meaningful discernment in the culture as a whole in religious matters, we should hardly be surprised that Eerdman's, which broke ground by publishing a work of LDS apologetics (note the discussion here and here), is now putting out a book on Muhammad written by one of the leading LDS apologists, a BYU professor, Daniel C. Peterson. You may be familiar with Peterson. One of the worst works of LDS apologetics, Offenders for a Word, was co-authored by Peterson (see here). This is the same man who boasted he would be willing to go "head to head" with Richard Ostling or myself on the theosis issue "any day of the week" (here is the audio clip from the California radio program he was on with Bill McKeever). When challenged to do so, he had his wife return the phone call, declining the challenge.

Peterson's field of expertise is, in fact, Islam. However, just as I think it does impact one's politics to truly believe that God is an exalted man from Kolob, so too I can't help but believe that Mormonism, with its parallel to Muhammad in Joseph Smith, must produce a rather odd overview of Islamic history and claims. Though Islam's radical unitarian monotheism is the polar opposite of Mormonism's extreme polytheism, there are many other parallels between the two systems, especially between Smith and Muhammad, the Book of Mormon and the Qur'an, etc. It is interesting to note that some of the first Christian writers to encounter the new religion of Islam identified it as a Christian heresy. In any case, I have ordered the work (unlike so many of my opponents, I actually read what they have to say), and will be interested to read an LDS view of Islam. My current studies, and my background, should make this read fascinating.

Meanwhile, note the review posted at Eerdmans as provided by Jeff Downs: "The best scholarly text on the prophet Muhammad written by a Christian. A must-read, especially for non-Muslims who are interested in a solid, compassionate treatment of Muhammad's vision and accomplishments." - Parviz Morewidge." Yeah, Mormonism continues its mainstreaming attempt. Makes me want to get Is the Mormon My Brother? back into print as soon as possible.

Maybe not your best Nativity Choice.

Product Description:

From the story book The Stable that Bob Built comes this extra special Nativity play set! It's been revamped to include fun lights and sounds!

On top of the stable sits Laura dressed as an angel. You can hear a song when you press her, and she lights up the night too! This 15-piece set has a large cast of characters including: Mary & Joseph Gourds, Pa Grape, Larry, Junior, Mr. Lunt, and Baby Carrot. But don't forget the French Pea Sheep and Jimmy & Jerry Gourd in a cute cow costume! The stable measures 11" by 9". Recommended for ages 3 and up.

Left Behind at Christmas?

From Shane Rosenthal (Producer, White Horse Inn) @ http://kimriddlebarger.squarespace.com/the-latest-post/2006/12/14/left-behind-at-christmas.html

Something we hope Santa will Leave Behind...

If you're a huge fan of the Left Behind series, and you love video games, perhaps Left Behind: Eternal Forces is for you. This does bring up an interesting question, however. Is it a good work to play a Christian video game? I'll leave that one for the theologians, but in the meantime, check out the following critical review:

"[Left Behind: Eternal Forces] is based on the ultra-popular Left Behind series of books, and the first book is helpfully included in the box with the game. Because I'm a glutton for punishment, I tried to read the book. I thought it would be helpful for me to know the source material for the review, and it might give me a little insight into the series as a whole. I put it down in disgust after the first fifty pages. The writing is just horrible. The fact that 65 million hojillion people bought these books and enjoyed them scares the hell out of me. When you start longing for the florid prose of a dime-store romance novel, you know that, stylistically, what you're holding in your hands is pretty bad...."

For the full review, head to: http://arstechnica.com/reviews/games/leftbehind.ars

Fire Bible-And we wonder why people don't take Scripture Seriously!

By Justin Taylor

Not a parody:

When was the last time your class saw how "HOT" God's Word is? Open this authentic looking "bible" and begin to share the scripture for the day as real flames are seen coming from your "bible". This full size book comes with a battery operated ignition system. All you supply are the batteries, lighter fluid and composure as your class gets excited. (special note: Fed-Ex shipping is available if you absolutely have to have the Fire Bible for this Sunday!) Only $44.95!